A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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