I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize