And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
