I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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