Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
