grandma shit on top of the toilet
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
