I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
