I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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