I just made out with a guy for $7.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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