I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont even know how to be here
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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