He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize