A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
