That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
