If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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