I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
