I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
