Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
