you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
