I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
