I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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