listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
