Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
