I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
