Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You took a bar mat shot.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
