Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My liver just broke up with me...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
