Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
