The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
