I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
