remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
