I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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