Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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