If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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