Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
