Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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