Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
