why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
