its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
