i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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