My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
high people should be assigned attendants
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
