Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
