Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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