I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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