i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
