return my video game
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
