why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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