my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
