Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
