What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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