Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
