sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
