Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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