i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
