you didnt know i had herpes?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
