I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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