Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
