happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
