Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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